On Aug. 24th, we found out that our fertility treatments had worked, and we were pregnant. I do not have the words to describe the joy that Ben and I felt at that news, and I still smile whenever I think of it. Our dreams had come true, and our prayers had been answered in such a fantastic way. Despite the nausea and extreme fatigue, all was very definitely well in our world.
On Sept. 9th, I went in for the 1st ultrasound, and got to see the little heartbeat of our baby flickering away like a strobe light. It was one of the most beautiful sights I think I have ever seen, I cried on the table. Every time I looked at those pictures, I smiled. Ben smiled when he saw them, and gave me the biggest hug. It was wonderful.
On Sept. 12th, all of this came crashing down. I started bleeding heavily, and called my doctor. Of course, at only 6weeks and 5days, there is nothing to be done to prevent a misscarriage, and all I could do was moniter my situation. I went back in this past monday for another ultrasound, and our doctor confirmed that we had miscarried our little one. We now have an angel baby in heaven, and it is a bittersweet thing.
I won't deny that I'm upset, and that I cry at a drop of a hat right now, but overall, I'm handling it well. Ben is doing ok, too. He has been simply wonderful and a ceaseless support throughout this whole process, and we are grieving our loss.
I am so glad that we have those pictures from the ultrasound, the little snapshots of our little angel before he or she went to heaven. It hurts to see them, but it is still a wonderful thing. Someday, hopefully soon, I'll be able to scrapbook them into something that begins to describe the joy and delight we had, and the love we feel for our little angel. Here is a picture of our little one. I know it doesn't look like much, in fact, Ben and I chuckled about "the blob within a blob," but I have an arrow pointing to where the heartbeat is flickering.
So, where do we go from here? Well, we certainly aren't going to be giving up. My specialist suggested that we start again with my next cycle, although he said I may ovulate on my own and we could get lucky between now and then. If we are so blessed, we would be ecstatic. If not, then back to the same plan as before. I hope and pray that it works quickly for us a second time.
In the meantime, any positive thoughts or prayers that you would like to send our way would be greatly appreciated. We remind ourselves that Ben and I have been through much worse and not only survived but thrived, however, that doesn't always make us feel better. I suppose only time really will.
